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Friday, December 16th, 2005
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wow. its been so long since ive updated in here huh. well thats generally because whenever i seriously need to vent it happenes in here. tonight i broke up with my first love. for real this time. im a mess...a complete mess but i know i did the right thing. i know its going to hur tlike hell for a long time but i cant be in a relationship like that anymore. i love him..ill always love him. hell always have a piece of my heart..for the rest of my life but i need to not be with him anymore. its too much fighting all of the time. im more unhappy than happy so its going to have to be this way. ill be ok...i need to convince myself of that..im listening to my ipod right now and its like every song that plays has some kind of significance for me..its making me drained but then i cant sleep. this is going to be such a rough weekend. i need my girls more than ever right now. i know theyll pull through because i have amazing friends. alright...im gonna go and attempt to study for my tmd final again..
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Wednesday, April 13th, 2005
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ive decided that everyone needs a little phil in their lives so ill leave you with a song!
Can't Stop lovin you
So you leavin' in
the mornin'
on the early train.
Well I could say
everything's all right
and I could pretend
and say goodbye
Got your ticket
got your suitcase
got your leaving smile
Oh I could say that's the way it goes
and I could pretend you won't know
That I was lying...
Cuz I can't stop loving you
No I can't stop loving you
No I won't stop loving you
Why should I?
We Took a taxi
to the station
not a word was said
and I saw you walk across the road
for maybe the last time, I don't know
Feeling humble
heard a rumble on the railway track
and when I hear the whistle blow
I'll walk away and you won't know
that I'll be crying...
Even try,
I'll always be here by your side.
Why, why, why?
I never wanted to say goodbye,
Why even try?
I'm always here, if you change,
change your mind.
So you're leavin'
in the mornin'
on the early train
Well, I could say everything's alright
and I could pretend and say goodbye
But that would be lying...
Why should I?
Why should I?
Why should I, even try?
now doesnt that just brighten your day? oh i know it put a smile on your face.
i love phil.
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Tuesday, April 12th, 2005
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so miraculously i got to leave school after 1st period because i was dying of extreme pain. i wont get into the details but for those of you who know what im talking about... i have one. annnnyway so yeah ... ive just been vegging out today. had a nice heart to heart with katie by the water.. i miss her.
i had an amazing weekend too.. lets talk about what happened. on friday night i worked and when home early bc i almost passed out. i got my root canal earlier that day.. eesh lets not talk about it. saturday night me and jeff got chinese food and hung out for a while.. went to ryans.. always a party there "strawberry oreos" will never enter my mouth EVER. sunday was the cutest.. i went to jeffs and we washed our cars together lol it was like we were married or something.. my car is freaking spotless im in love with it. and it even smells good now.. kayla would be so proud.
i have today off which is really good. so i can relax and do my anatomy homework that i still havent done even though grades were due friday.. ahh whatever. i think senoritis is seriously kicking in.. is that like a real thing?? i dunno but im feelin it. im getting a D+ in College Alg. i kinda broke the news to my dad who was cool about it.. but i think my mom is gonna be a different story.. my vacation is gonna suck. whatever... its all good. alright kids.. im out.
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Thursday, April 7th, 2005
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Somewhere between the procrastination and the homework, and the incessant forwards, and the friendships, and the yummy cafeteria food, and the calls to each other complaining about people and who you are in love with, somewhere between the phone calls to old friends and the "I miss you" and the "what are we doing tonight?" and somewhere between all of the changing and growing, the breakouts and the bad hair days, somewhere between the classes and the skipping classes, and the studying for tests, and the pretending to study for tests, and the downright not studying for tests. I forgot what high school is all about. I forgot what it meant to cry; I forgot that pretending to be happy doesn't make you happy and that pretending to be smart doesn't make you smart, I forgot that you can't just forget the past in fear of the future. I forgot that you can't control falling in love, and that you can't make yourself fall in love. I learned that I could love; I learned that it's okay to mess up and its okay to ask for help and its okay to feel like crap. I learned that it's okay to complain and whine to all your friends for a whole day. I learned that sometimes the thing you want most you just cant have, I learned that the greatest thing about high school isn't the parties or the drinking or the hook ups. It's the friendships, which means taking chances. I learned that sometimes the things we want to forget are the things that we most need to talk about. I learned that letters from friends are the most important things and sending cards to your friends makes you feel better. But, basically, I just learned that my friends, both old and new, are the most important people to me in the world and without them, I wouldn't be who I am today. So this is a thank you. I love you.
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hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. i love him. http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/numa.php
what a freaking legend.
annnnnyway.. i think i witnessed what hell is today at work. everytime i looked at bob i saw him with devil ears and a pitchfork. and it was increasingly warm in scoops as i was getting more and more stressed out. and the best part is that its only.. DAY 5!! HOLLLER!!!! i love that place
on another note.. im getting a root canal on friday. yes. at 17 years old.. getting a root canal. lol. great set of teeth i got. alllrighty im gonna go.. please look at that boy. he makes me smile. hahaha wooo..
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Thursday, March 31st, 2005
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Im in an unusually pissy mood right now. everything always seems to fall apart.. i honestly cant deal with it anymore.
* My mother has gone from psychotic to completely and utterly unbearable. she took my phone away bc i havent gotten to the cingular store yet. she fucking pisses me off more than anything in the world. shes like a completely different person lately and i cant stand it.. she says that the older matt and i get.. the worse we are. gotta love her. i cant wait to fucking leave this hell of a home.
* MY PHONE GOT TAKEN AWAY FOR ANOTHER FUCKING WEEK!!!!!!! does anyone understand that pain.. especially after not having it for a month. i swear she over-punishes me i cant stand her.
*my teeth hurt more than anything i have ever experienced. i want to pull them out myself. they make me cry..a lot.
*SP is kicking my ass because i only have 4 hours done and now im working every single day until the end of time.
*IM WORKING EVERY SINGLE DAY UNTIL THE END OF TIME. and bob has done a 180 and is now being an asshole again. i messed up doing everything today.. he thinks im "retarded" apparently.
*I have no money. ever. i think im going to start selling drugs.
ok.. so those are my main problems at the moment.. the most important being my devil of a mother. i wish shed get hit on the head and wake up and realize im not that horrible of a daughter after all.
much love.
COLLEGE IS ONLY 5 MONTHS AWAY.. i might kill myself before then.
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Tuesday, March 29th, 2005
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these are three songs that i want on a cd.
1.) "oh" by Ciara
2.) "girl fight" by Brooke Valentine
3.) "Back of the club" by.. mashonda.. or something like that??
and the bonus song...
"Just a little bit" by 50 cent
so whoever wants to make that for me.... i will love you forever..
please kate..?? i put u in my journalll.... XO!!!
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Just a general annoucement...
my birthday is in 42 days.
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Tuesday, March 22nd, 2005
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Here is a little survey to put me out of my misery. my parents have gone insane so im not allowed to go out tonight because its raining.. i know they have found every single excuse to not let me go out because they are retarded.. but whatever.. they are running out of excuses quickley. so in the meantime ill do this survey to get my mind off being so incredibly pissed off that i could kill someone. LOVE!!!!
1. Name: Jillian
2. If you were going to be the opposite sex, what would your name have been?: Matthew
3. Age: 17..18 in two months.. thank the god above
4. How old do you look?: people say between 18 and 21..i think i look my age though
5. How old do you act?: mmm...15 when im with my friends.. 21 when im with my boyfriend. ha.
6. What's the last song you sang?: "goin crazy" by natalie.. aww
7. What did you do yesterday?: i hung out with Jeffrey at 3 and "watched a movie" then went to ryans to say hey..
8. Today?: worked.. and then had to come home because it RAINED out and my parents are afraid ill die
9. What are your plans for the weekend?: mm.. tomorrow is sunday.. DS meeting @ 4.. seeing the bf
10. Do you kiss with your eyes open or closed?: closed most of the time but its cool to open them
11. Sexiest thing about the opposite sex?: arm muscles and teeth
12. Do you sing in the shower?: of course!!
12. When is the last time you cried?: earlier this week...my parents have gone psychotic
14. Who was the person u liked the longest?: Aaron
13. Who was the last person you kissed?: Jeffrey
15. Are you in love with anyone right now?: mhm..
16. Have you ever said I love you to someone and meant it?: yes
17. Does anything on your body itch right now?: the left side of my nose....
18. What color is the carpet in your bedroom?: beige.. i know.. really different huh
19. Have you ever had a member of the opposite sex in your bedroom?: lol.....
20. Who is the sexiest man alive?: Vin Diesel.. lol but my baby comes in a close second...
21. If your house was on fire and you could only save 3 items what would you save?: the picture of my mom and me as a baby, my baby pictures, and my lamb chops
22. Who was your first best friend?: Casey Wood
23. Who is the next person you'll buy a b-day gift for?: mmm.. kate? i think..
24. Whats your fave number?: 8
25. Have you ever gotten detention?: nope
26. Where is your favorite place to go on vacation?: mm.. Nantucket used to take the cake but i havent been there ina while.. so i dunno.. bahamas?!
29. How many times a week do you bathe: every day
30. Perfect Wedding Song: "Endless Love" by Luther Vandross and Mariah Carey
31. Do you have a child?: nope..amen.
32. A crush: lol yeah i guess
33. Who is the person that knows the most about you?: katie and kate..rach too
34. Whats your deepest darkest secret?: if i told u it wouldnt be a secret...
35. Funniest Joke you ever heard?: mm. there have been so many.
36. Saddest movie: Titantic.. cmon.. that killed me..that and Sweet November.. wooooooo i lost it in that one
37. Scariest movie: i dont watch scarey movies.. im a wuss
38: Last movie you saw in the theater: Meet the Falkers
39. When's the last time you rode a bike: lol.. to Scoops when i didnt have a car.. hahaha.. what a memory..
40. What's it like outside?: SHITTY. its rain/snow.
41. What is the first thing you do in the morning?: look in the mirror in shock
42. Last concert you went to?: mm.. 3eb.. wow.. need to see some more concerts..
43. Have you ever had phone sex?: haha.. i think there was an attempt
44. Do you have any piercings?: yes. 4
45. What do you wear to work?: sweatpants and a tee shirt
46. Can you touch your toes without bending your knees?: yup.. barely
47. Food you couldn't live without: ICECREAM
48. Do you own handcuffs?: not yet...
49. Do you like your friends?: no i hate them. what the hell kind of question is that?
50. Who has hurt you the most: there has been someone. i dont think they know who they are though.
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Friday, February 18th, 2005
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"It is the storm we all have to endure. We hate it. But its every raindrop-- its every harsh element that runs down our faces that traces out who we are. Our shape. It reveals the passion, the defiance, the space in the world that the rain cannot displace. We are beautiful. It's the world tht's ugly. But never lose hope, for the same ugly world that sends the rain, also gives us the sun." - David David Walkerton (walky)
I LOVE KATE TWEEDY
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Wednesday, February 16th, 2005
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Ok i know.. im a huge dork. but seriously.. any movie that can actually make u weep deserves to be looked at again. shit.. i havent cried like that since my breakdown in the movie theater when Jack died in Titanic..
QUOTES FROM THE NOTEBOOK!!!
Young Noah: Get in the water.
Young Allie: No! I'm scared.
Young Noah: [yelling] Get in the water, woman! Get in the water!
Young Allie: [looks at him, puzzled]
Young Noah: [calmly] No I'm sorry baby, please just get in.
Young Allie: [hesitates]
Young Allie: [once his friends start yelling again] GET IN THE WATER!
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Young Allie: Maybe I was a bird in another life.
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Young Allie: Now say you're a bird too.
[she jumps on him while they are at the beach]
Young Noah: If you're a bird, I'm a bird too.
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Young Noah: My Dearest Allie. I couldn't sleep last night because I know that it's over between us. I'm not bitter any more, because I know that what we had was real. And if in some distant place in the future we see each other in our new lives, I'll smile at you with joy and remember how we spent the summer beneath the trees, learning from each other and growing in love. The best love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more, that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds, and that's what you've given me. That's what I hope to give to you forever. I love you. I'll be seeing you. Noah
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Noah: I am nothing special; of this I am sure. I am a common man with common thoughts, and I've led a common life. There are no monuments dedicated to me and my name will soon be forgotten, but I've loved another with all my heart and soul, and to me, this has always been enough.
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Young Allie: Why didn't you write me? Why? It wasn't over for me, I waited for you for seven years. But now its too late.
Young Noah: I wrote you 365 letters. I wrote you everyday for a year.
Young Allie: You wrote me?
Young Noah: Yes
Young Allie: It wasn't over, it still isn't over.
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AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Good fucking god i love that movie....
alright peace kiddds <3 me
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Tuesday, February 15th, 2005
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the sky is falling
and its early in the morning
but its
ok somehow
i spilled my coffee
it went
all over
your clothes
i gotta wear mine now
and im always always always late
and my hairs a mess
even when its straight
but so what im better off every day
when im standing in the pouring rain
i dont mind
i think of you and everythings all right
i used to think i had it good
but now i know that im mis-understood
you would say
im better off in every way
my friends keep calling
they say (they say) im stalling
they wanna meet you now
i tell them hell no
i say
we're trying to lay low
dont wanna lose what i found
things are finally finally looking up
all my feet are on the ground
even though im stuck
but so what
im better off every day
when im standing in the pouring rain
i dont mind i think of you and
everythings all right
i used to think i had it good
but now i know that im mis-understood
you would say
im better off in every way
things are finally finally looking up
all my feet are on the ground
even though im stuck (even though im stuck)
but so what im better off every day
when im standing in the pouring rain
i dont mind
i think of you and everythings all right
i used to think i had it good
but now i know that im mis-understood
you would say
im better off in every way
the sky is falling
and its early in the morning
but its ok
So its valentines day. seriously.. i've never had a valentine before so i didnt know what to expect. but what i got was amazing. its not the flowers, or the card(which are awesome)..its how we fit perfectly into eachother when we cuddle.. and how he says i miss you.. and the way we are always holding eachothers hands..maybe its the way we were hugging in the snow tonight.. or the way we call eachother babe after every 3 words..and the fact that we have like six "songs"...and the fact that i miss him a ridiculous amount and ive been away from him for like a half/hour.. its all of these things that make him a perfect valentine.. and my boyfriend. <3 <3 <3 couldnt be happier
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Monday, February 14th, 2005
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what a bipolar weekend.
in the end.. it was awesome.
friday night= went to see jeff at ryans with katie and dania. drank a lot.. had some issues..
saturday= work and then the "talk" which went as well as it possibly could. im still giddy from the whole experience. i dunno im just a lucky girl..
today= went shopping, lex is sleeping over but as usual she got stolen from me. had an awesome talk with katie about life. i love her necklace..aww alan.
FEB VACA IN LIKE 5 DAYS>>>
plans so far..
maybe franklin pierce for a night
umbrella factory/uri
HOLDEN (yay katee)
Federal Hill
and maybe ill hit up boston.
lol.. who wants to join??????
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Wednesday, January 26th, 2005
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so she'll be gone for 9 years on friday. 9 years. thats more than half of my life.
i just hd a huge talk about it with my mom. shes so helpful.. she understands how i feel. my brother and my dad dont talk about it. im the only vocal one about it. and i have come to this conclusion:
i have accepted her death. she wont be there ever again. shes the void in my life. im ok with that. i understand how it all works. shes gone and shes not coming back.
what i am not ok with is that i realized i never knew her. i was 8 years old. she was my "mom". that old lady that tells me what to do, who yells at me when i run in the house, who hugs me when i have a bad day. thats how i know her. i envy my friends who are close with their moms. they know who they are. they know their personalities. she ws 33. she was still a kid.. she was still growing up and finding herself. i will never know who my mom was, i will never know who her friends were or what her morals were. ill never know her favorite place to go on vacation or who her celebrity crush was. i think that is what really bothers me. in a way, i wish she died at a later age so i would have the experience of getting to know her as a person rather than as my mom.
i dunno, ive just been thinking about it a lot. my life worked out well in the end i guess. im forunate to have someone there who i can talk to about things.
dont get me wrong.. im not complaining about the fact that my mom died, its a part of nature, ive realized that things live and die, it was her time. im just still stumbling and trying to accept that i never really "knew" my mother.
i dont mind if u read this, just please dont feel bad for me. dont think less of me or think im fragile. ive worked my ass off to be strong about the whole situation. im ok. i really am. its just that at this time of year with her aniversary and stuff i like to think about her and everything.
this entry is kind of morbid i know.. but i really needed to get this out.
<3 J
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Tuesday, January 25th, 2005
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why is it that everytime something great happens in my life.. everything stable around it has to fall apart. honestly.. someone answer this question. i cant stand it. its like i wish everyone would just happy. i feel bad for everyone right now.. people are going through so much.. kate with everything, katie with alan.. i dunno i feel like i havent been there. but its not that i regret it.. i mean i enjoy everything im doing to the fullest.. ive realized that i need to be independant and not worry about what everyone thinks of what im doing because i dont really care. im kind of pissed off from the days events. i dunno.. maybe im just rambling a little bit. i just cant wait to get the hell out of here.. this town is slowly killing me.
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Sunday, January 23rd, 2005
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"Wait for the guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot. Wait for the guy who kisses your forehead, who thinks you are the prettiest when you have no makeup on, and who holds your hand in front of his friends. Wait for the guy who would do anything just to spend time with you. Wait for the guy who truly believes he is the lucky one"
January 21, 2005
All. Grown. Up.
No regrets.
<3 J
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Wednesday, January 12th, 2005
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got ACCEPTED INTO URI!!! CLASS OF 2009 BIATCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Thursday, January 6th, 2005
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today is kind of nice. i mean i know everyone is complaining about the snow and rain mixture.. but this kind of weather makes me relax and think about things. i just got back from coffee with rach.. im listening to good music (run by collective soul) and thinking about my life. i feel like everything is happening so fast. im finding out from URI next week. if i dont get in there.. in screwed. i didnt apply anywhere else because im lazy and thought i would get in. i really hope i do. i met jeff.. who is awesome, but i dont know if i have time for a "boyfriend" right now. i mean obviously ive been wanting a person like him in my life since forever, i just feel like the timing is off. last night he was talking to me about how if things ended up working between us what would happen in college. and im like.. wait a sec.. in college im gonna be free.. i dont want to be tied down by a boy. its my time to get corrupted..ha.. to become who i want without the restraints of parents and this town. i dunno.. i might be thinking too far into the future. jeff is awesome. hes sweet.. ive never felt so perfect when im around him. he makes me feel good about myself. im going out to dinner with him on saturday night.. a real true date. i mean ive gone to the movies with sean and stuff.. but this is like a real thing. i dunno.. im excited and nervous.. i have this thing where i dont eat in front of boys.. lol i dont know what im gonna do.. i better conquer the fear quick. lol.. but anyway.. so i guess life is good.. im just pensive right now.. its the weather i tell ya.. it does a toll on me. <3 j
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Monday, January 3rd, 2005
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really pissed off.
bought cigarettes that taste like shit. im 6 dollars poorer.
**ATTENTION**
never buy menthol cigarettes.
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